After nearly 20 years of working at the same place (and finally finishing my Master's degree) I've decided to start looking for another job, and I've even managed to get as far as an interview a week ago. I'm beginning to understand how a bungee jumper feels as they stand on the bridge and look down. The thought of leaving behind so much that's familiar to embark on a totally different path is far more daunting than I ever imagined it would be. There's a combination of excitement, fear, {tag anxiety}, and wondering about all the fiddly bits of {tag administrivia} that will be required if I get the job. I guess the entire substructure of my world right now can be summed up as: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!! As tempting as it has been, I've so far managed to avoid excessive pacing, drinking, or demanding constant reassurance from friends and family. Okay, so maybe not quite as successful on the latter as on the first two, I'm still somewhat proud of myself.
One unforeseen outcome was how many supporters I have. I can't believe the number of people cheering me on and offering support and encouragement. It's rather overwhelming. Simply knowing that there are THAT many people who wish me well is humbling. The fact that so many of them are my current co-workers, who will subsequently be left in the lurch and scrambling to cover for me (or, rather, the lack thereof) should I actually get this new job, makes it seem even more incredible.
Of course, I've chosen to believe their reassurances that they're not just trying to get rid of me....
{tag change} {tag humility} {tag employment}
Inexorable Mortality
Last Friday I became the latest victim of what we at work are referring to as the Nasty Virus. It's a truly unpleasant thing that involves a wracking cough, tight chest, and the feeling that your lungs are on fire and you'll literally begin belching smoke at any second. It gets worse, but I'll spare you.
Knowing that the chances of getting someone shanghai'd into my all-day Saturday shift at that late date were next to nothing unless I was actually in hospital hooked up to things involving tubes and beeping machines, I decided that just doing my shift was the least painful alternative.
However, prior to my shift, I had the memorial of a friend to attend. It's hard to sit in a chapel with subdued lighting, subdued music, subdued decor and attended to by shiny men with subdued manners and try to equate that with the happy, vibrant and alive person that my friend used to be. Her disgust was nearly palpable. We won't even mention what her thoughts would have been about having her memorial on Groundhog Day....
It's never easy having mortality brought home so forcefully, but sitting there feeling like my lungs were going to implode at any moment made it so much more imminent. This could be me! I kept thinking. These could be my friends! Should I, of course, be so lucky to have this many people brave near -30 temps on a Saturday morning to be at my memorial. Seeing that many people made me realize what a truly amazing person my friend was; to have touched so many different people in so many meaningful ways. It's somehow not surprising that someone who gave so much of her heart should have died from a cardiac problem.
R.I.P. Donna (1952-2008), you are still loved and will always be missed.
{tag mortality: } {tag humility: }
Existential Ambiguity
{mmp3}round1.swf|11_shut_it_tight.mp3|Click to Listen{/mmp3}__Listen to a clip
From the album: Twenty Twenty Essential
Nothing describes existential ambiguity better than the song "Shut It Tight" by T-Bone Burnett. I've been in love with it since I first heard it in the mid-80s, so I thought I'd use a scroller of the lyrics as an intro to this post, plus a link to Amazon.ca, should anyone want to check out any more of this artist's work. But enough administrivia, on with the post!
The heart of the issue is summed up in the line "I don't care what you think and I hope that you approve". It seems that life is often nothing more than a struggle to find a comfortable place on the continuum of interdependence. We can't live without people around us, much as we might on occasion think it would be just short of paradise, nor can we function optimally when we are inundated with interpersonal contact.
Perhaps we surround ourselves with people who validate our view of ourselves, whatever that may be; that we are most comfortable around those who make us feel important, or at least needed. For those of us who hang around some pretty dysfunctional people, that has disturbing ramifications! Maybe it would be safest to just take the cynical route and say that we hang around people who make us feel superior, or those who have the ability to improve our situation (who hang around us to feel superior). Or, perhaps, it's somewhere between the two and the point of it all is the struggle to find a balance, and again, to establish our own little homestead on the continuum of interdependence.
Or maybe, like me, we simply hang around those who are best able to procure chocolate.....
